Me and My Nine Iron

March 24, 2010

This is a big fucking deal

Hottest shirt out right now. But seriously, do you pay attention to Vice President Biden sometimes? If this video came out before the election, he should be as ridiculed as Sarah Palin or there’s a liberal double standard.

That and knocking back the flask at the White House Christmas party. Guess it really came down to the lesser of two evils. Speaking of McCain and Palin, both are busy moving on. Well, sort of. Senator McCain, in his relentless pursuit to attack everything President Obama, on Obama’s healthcare reform today, “You can put lipstick on a pig, Mr. President, but it’s still a pig.”

Meanwhile, Discovery Channel has picked up Palin’s Alaska-themed reality TV show for a cool $1 million per episode, which should be about as exciting as Rosie O’Donnell coming back to the small screen.

Did you know you could sue your spouse’s mistress, as if it was their fault that your spouse was cheating? In North Carolina, one of seven random states across the U.S., a woman was awarded $9 million from her husband’s mistress from the “alienation of affection” law. Yet another ridiculous law our country’s forefathers can only shake their heads at.

845 years. That’s how much Sholam Weiss got back in 2000 for a huge investment scam, as he currently appeals. If Bernie Madoff is serving 150 years, does that make Weiss six times more destructive?

For you sports fans, Hitler on the current March Madness.

BJ

March 22, 2010

Mail money, make money

Filed under: For your pleasure — BJ @ 10:26 pm
Tags:

I received a letter in the mail today from a Gary Hooser from Indiana. I thought it was one of those university brochures telling me to go to their school – hooser, hoosier. Can you blame me?

Instead, I found a letter–obviously spam–but I decided to read on. The top claims “As seen on Oprah and 20/20.” That’s not saying a whole lot. I mean, it’s not like Oprah’s never been duped before.

The letter explains simply that you mail say, 200 letters in the hopes that each person mails you back $1 and each of those people mail 200 more letters each and so on and so forth. Sound like a pyramid scheme? I’ll say, but an even lazier version. It actually reminds me of those postings on campus that says something like, “Want to make $980/week working from home?” Though, I don’t know if that involved the same concept. You are to mail the one dollar with the statement, “Please add me to your mailing list,” to the seven people at the end of the letter – Gary Hooser being my seventh.

They claim these seven words make the entire operation legal, and what better than to invest in ourselves is what they say. But, more about the seven people. At the end of the letter, they give straightforward instructions as to what to do. First, mail a dollar to the seven people on the list. Next, purchase 200 names from Datafax for $40 or 500 names for $75. Sadly, the website‘s legit, meaning our personal information can be bought for a price. Then, mail the exact same letter, except edit the list of seven at the end to include your name. You would remove the first name off the list and move everyone up a notch, with your name being the seventh. The buck, literally, stops after the seventh degree.

All throughout the letter, they guarantee that you’ll make at least $800,000 in cash, and that’s on the conservative end. The instructions sound logical and fairly harmless. We all give each other one dollar and pay it forward. They really sell it well, but it’s not without its flaws. First, I found the first typo on the fourth page of the five-page letter. When I was done, there were at least five typos, which reminded me of someone doing homework and getting sloppy towards the end. I bring this up because it really hurts the professional appearance of an already skeptical idea. They can’t afford typos, yet choose to litter the last page and a half with them.

Also, what prevents people from skipping the first step–pay the seven people on the list–and going right to mailing out the 200 letters? Besides good faith and the whole do unto others as you would like them to do unto you, nothing that I can think of. As for your investment, it sounds like you’re fronting only seven dollars, right? Don’t forget that you have to provide postage for 207 and purchase the list of names, bringing the total investment to $138.08 plus the cost of 207 envelopes. By that point, you have to believe that you can get about 150 people send you money just to break even.

In the end, it was nothing more than some leisurely and somewhat informative reading (on the latest money-making schemes). I just hope not to get anymore of these letters.

BJ

March 18, 2010

Bernie wants the cloak now

A Walmart store in New Jersey is making news over a public-address announcement made on Wednesday. A male voice said, “Attention, Walmart customers: All black people, leave the store now.”

No word yet on whether the voice was that of a black person.

The December events of Bernie Madoff‘s prison injuries were confirmed today that they were actually the result of a much-rumored jumping that he received, contrary to previous reports that he fell out of his bunk bed to sustain facial fractures and lacerations, broken ribs and a collapsed lung requiring an extended hospital stay.

The fellow inmate was described as a “beefy” gent who possessed a black belt

Gold bars.

in judo—and had a personal grievance stemming from a Madoff-contracted debt he believed he was owed. If that doesn’t sound like bad news, I don’t know what does.

A German research team reported a breakthrough in the cloak of invisibility, cloaking a bump in a layer of gold and working in three dimensions for the first time ever.

Here’s to fearing cloaking as much as cloning when scientists are finally able to apply this to humans.

BJ

March 16, 2010

Uh, we have a damage not accounted for

Khloe Kardashian had this to say about Shia LeBeouf‘s 2008 car crash in

The Terminator hand is his left hand.

which he had been drinking, “Just be smarter. Think about your actions and get a driver. It’s so much cheaper in the long run!”

Shia, Shia, let me say it for you.

Dumb bitch.

A new study shows that men who have hair loss by age 30 reduce their chances of prostate cancer by 45%. Jason Alexander‘s probably thinking, “Who’s got the last laugh now?” But the answer would still be us, if you’ve seen him on the embarrassing Jenny Craig commercial with Valerie Bertinelli.

A 4.4 earthquake this morning and 80+ degree weather in winter, it must be Southern California. They say earthquakes with a magnitude of 4 actually occur in Southern California every month or two and that there’s a 5% chance that it’s a foreshock to a larger earthquake so that means with our last 5 magnitude earthquake in July 2008–drum roll for the mathematically challenged–we should get hit with another 5’er anywhere from March 2010 to November 2011, which is now so live on tilt from now. And then we all know what happens in 2012.

In today’s “Headlines,” this L.A. Times article states “no major damage or injuries reported,” yet they have a picture of this following the headline.

What, did he lose his home?

BJ

March 14, 2010

Tipping’s for suckers (so is running)

Findings showed on Friday that almost 74% of New York City taxi drivers

Victim's POV.

overcharged passengers in the past two years, with thousands engaging in the scam hundreds of times in one month. The average overpayment was $4.45 per trip, which is exactly the reason why you shouldn’t tip taxi drivers. They include it in the fee for you.

The White House on Sunday defended President Obama for his criticism of a Supreme Court decision that allows unions and corporations to funnel unlimited dollars to political campaigns in his State of the Union address in January, which proved two things. 1) The fact that we’re in mid-March is just another example of how slow the government moves, and 2) I applaud President Obama for criticizing the highest of courts when often times, decisions are made on a 5-4 vote.

A study presented on Saturday showed that running a marathon or doing other types of high-intensity exercise may actually be bad for the heart, cause high blood pressure, heart attack and even death. And, the fat kid who just walked out the door turned around and went right back to playing video games.

BJ

March 12, 2010

Girls, start poppin’ those pills

Filed under: On the 6 o'clock news — BJ @ 3:52 pm
Tags: ,

A British study published Friday revealed that women who take a contraceptive pill have a lower rate of death from any cause than women who never have. So teens, there’s no reason you should be getting pregnant now.

A man jumped off the balcony of the 11th floor at Santa Ana Courthouse

Waiting for the GOP to leak a cartoon of Pelosi.

Friday. Two officers managed to grab his arm, but he fought them off and fell to his death. Now, there’s one suicidal who wasn’t messing around or doing it just for “the attention.”

Democrats, once again, seek a quick vote on the health care bill, which seems hasty and wrong on all levels. I mean, how can you trust a face like this?

BJ

March 10, 2010

Senate extends jobless aid (again)

The Hurt Locker was the big winner Sunday, winning six of its nine Oscar nominations (the same as my Oscar picks), including Best Picture and Best Director (Kathryn Bigelow). It’s funny it got mixed reviews from U.S. troops, but I guess it should be expected that the movie will glorify and inaccurately highlight every aspect of the job. They should really re-release Best Picture films so that people can actually watch it.

I went snowboarding Monday at Mountain High and realized that I’m not a little kid anymore, if I didn’t admit it before. I’m not going to go so far as to say, as is often loosely said, that “I’m too old now,” but the bottom line is that 1) every time I gained a little speed, I thought to myself that I should probably slow down and 2) I felt the toll being taken from every fall. Like a running back taking a little bit longer to get up after every carry, I eventually tapped out after five hours on the slopes. This after purple knees, a sore ass, massive headaches and broken shades. I had fun though, and I’m looking forward to my Mammoth weekend trip at the end of the month.

Oh, and I saw in the news yesterday that two boneheads who decided to board out of bounds went missing for about 15 hours overnight, as temperatures dropped to 1 below zero. They seemed so ungrateful during their TV interview that the helicopter rescue should’ve just left them there.

The Senate passed a bill Wednesday that will provide unemployment benefits for up to 99 weeks in many states. That’s almost two years of being able to sit on your ass and receive checks from our debt-ridden government.

I was reading this article about a local homeless man who lost his six-figure job 19 months ago, and it was clear this guy wasn’t even trying. It suddenly popped in my head how many things this guy should’ve sold a long time ago or stop doing if he wants people to start feeling sorry for him. Here’s my list.

  1. Home in Newport Beach
  2. Golf clubs
  3. HDTV
  4. 375-bottle wine collection
  5. BMW
  6. Dry-cleaning shirts

He said it: “I’m not going to claim I was cheated out of my house. I didn’t pay my mortgage.” The moral of the story is don’t feel sorry for everybody.

BJ

March 7, 2010

My Oscar Picks

I realize my version of SNL’s “Weekend Update” often times goes off on a tangent towards a raging spiel about how whoever I’m attacking is wrong. Because they always are (see last post). So, I’ll make this a fun post in honor of the big night.

But first, I just want to say I can’t get enough of Zach Galifianakis. Last night’s host of SNL proved to be a musically talented (piano and flute), homosexually humorous and refreshingly funny dude that put on the best show in recent memory. He used a lot of jokes in his monologue that I found in a 2001 video. He also has a regular sketch, “Between Two Ferns,” on Will Ferrell‘s site, http://www.funnyordie.com, where he interviews celebrities.

Is it just me or has talk of the Oscars been hyped more this year than in years past? Whatever to get the slumping ratings up, I guess. Last night was the 30th anniversary of the Razzie Awards, and Transformers was the biggest loser, taking home three awards for Worst Picture, Worst Director (Michael Bay) and Worst Screenplay (Ehren Kruger, Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman). At least someone recognizes that movies aren’t all about mindless action with robots killing each other with machine guns.

This year’s Academy Awards has plenty of (potential) firsts. It’s the first year that the Best Picture category has been expanded from 5 to 10 nominees, a move about as stupid as considering widening the NCAA basketball tournament to include more teams than the current 64. Not surprisingly, it was designed to garner more money and recognition to the Awards, but does nothing but diminish the exclusivity of the category by putting in such non-classic films as The Blind Side and District 9. These films made it over the highest-grossing R-rated comedy in U.S. history in The Hangover. Nevertheless, seven of the films don’t have a shot anyway; the third one you might be wondering about is, to my surprise, Inglourious Basterds, which is supposedly in the running.

James Cameron‘s ex-wife, Kathryn Bigelow, is looking to become the first woman to win Best Director, the Best Picture will likely go to the highest-grossing (Avatar – $2.5B) or possibly lowest-grossing film (The Hurt Locker – $19.3M) in Oscar history and in lesser news, Sandra Bullock can become the first person to win an Oscar (The Blind Side) and a Razzie (All About Steve) in the same year. (More under the comments for Best Picture.)

Without further ado, my select Oscar picks for 2009:

Best Supporting Actress – Mo’Nique, Precious

Best Supporting Actor – Christoph Waltz, Inglourious Basterds (Played a convincing role as “Jew Hunter.”)

Best Adapted Screenplay – Jason Reitman and Sheldon Turner, Up in the Air (Sad to say I didn’t watch this but heard nothing but great things about it)

Best Original Screenplay – Quentin Tarantino, Inglourious Basterds (There’s a lot to hate about Tarantino. From his unconventional story-telling with chapters and his obsession for excessive gore to not being a member of the Writers Guild of America and the WGA hating him, the story is pretty tight and culminates in an epic ending.)

Best Animated Feature – Up (Arguably the most solid group of movies not named Best Picture, there’s actually a clear frontrunner. Allow me to say that if an animation movie can make me ball like I just lost a family member, you got my vote.)

Best Actor – Jeff Bridges, Crazy Heart (Didn’t watch any of the movies on the list, most indifferent towards this otherwise 5-star category.)

Best Actress – Sandra Bullock, The Blind Side (In a category coming down to Bullock and Meryl Streep for Julie and Julia, people believe that Bullock will win her first nomination because she won’t have another shot, unlike 16-time nominee and 2-time winner Meryl Streep. Fair, huh?)

Best Director – Kathryn Bigelow, The Hurt Locker

Best Picture – Avatar (From Time’s Richard Corliss, the producers’, directors’, writers’ and editors’ groups all chose The Hurt Locker over Avatar. No film in Oscar history has won all those guild awards and then lost Best Picture. Also, Avatar was not nominated in the acting and writing categories, and no film has won Best Picture without getting either of those nominations since … Grand Hotel in 1932.)

BJ

March 6, 2010

Bad debt, worse donation

The people of Iceland voted against repaying $5.3 billion to Britain ($3.5 billion) and the Netherlands ($1.8 billion) after those governments compensated the funds in their accounts after their own banks failed in October 2008. The deal would require each person to pay around $135 a month for eight years — the equivalent of a quarter of an average four-member family’s salary.

Considered a relatively small amount compared to the amount of cash being thrown around by the giants, like the U.S. bailing out AIG with $182.5 billion, I would think there would be some courtesy in attempting to pay them back. This is being decided by a vote by Icelanders? Really? When was the last time a country agreed to give money willingly? I hope that’s the last time they get bailed out.

Orange County is awarding its first-ever traffic case of the year on Friday, to be bestowed upon the Huntington Beach police traffic team working on the case of a 14-year-old bicyclist killed by a driver texting and on drugs in November. I wonder how it would feel to be the victim’s family in this case. A little disrespectful, perhaps?

And speaking of closure, or lack thereof, how about the civil lawsuit Fred

The suit.

Goldman rang up trying to collect on O.J. Simpson‘s “not guilty” suit? Surprisingly, all of the comments ripped Fred for continuing to bring up issues and not letting his son rest in peace.

I’m sorry, but if you owe me $33.5 million, and I know you have it, I’m coming after you every petty way possible. Unfortunately, a settlement was made on Monday to donate the acquittal attire to the Smithsonian, which is inexplicably stupid, if you ask me.

OK Go, known for their wildly popular music videos, is at it again, debuting their new video for “This Too Shall Pass” on Monday. Not as catchy a song as “A Million Ways” or “Here It Goes Again,” I think the already over 5 million hits are attributed to the following of the Rube Goldberg Device.

BJ

March 5, 2010

The Raperscan

Rapiscan scanner

The Department of Homeland Security named the 11 airports on Friday that will receive the first wave of Rapiscan scanners, the much-hyped full-body scanners.

They couldn’t think of another name than Rapiscan? Well, I guess it’s fittingly intrusive.

Where's the naughty nurse?

The very liberal Sean Penn on the critics of his help in Haiti: “You know, do I hope that those people die screaming of rectal cancer? Yeah, you know, but I’m not going to spend a lot of energy on it.”

What a hippie asshole. No pun intended.

A car caused a chain-reaction crash with three parked cars in Yorba Linda Thursday morning. The owner of an overturned car said her son would have been inside the car to head to school but had to take the bus as a result of a bad grade. She said, “I’ve never been happier for him to get an ‘F’.”

If he was in the car to go to school, it wouldn’t have been in the parking lot,

That's a mean-looking hatchet.

would it? And you wonder where the kid gets his smarts from.

You have to read some of these product knockoffs from around the world. My favorites are the Chintendo Vii and Arm & Hatchet, among all the other egregious typos.

BJ

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