Me and My Nine Iron

October 27, 2011

Sex for cancer

Filed under: On the 6 o'clock news — BJ @ 12:42 am
Tags: , ,

You guys know how much I love studies, and earlier this month, new research revealed that oral sex, not tobacco smoking and alcohol use, is the leading cause of cancer in the mouth and throat. Men, don’t show this to your wives/girlfriends/boyfriends.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. All that dirty foreskin that marinades itself in your urine dribble and hasn’t been soaped in days shouldn’t be going into another person’s mouth, let alone banging repeatedly into the back of her throat.

Actually, the majority diagnosed are men, and there may be a reason for that. A vaccine for HPV, the most common sexually transmitted disease (STD), is recommended for those slutty teenage girls, which may be protecting them of this cancer. So shouldn’t they just start recommending the HPV vaccine to guys too, especially since the HPV vaccine maker has no plans to test the correlation between the vaccine and the cancer?

The most jarring statement: “persons who have had six or more partners on whom they’ve practiced unprotected oral sex are eight times more likely than those who have not had oral sex to develop the HPV-related mouth and throat cancers.”

Well, not jarring if you’re someone like me. Where six is more of a dream number than one you’ll ever meet…Hey, now when a chick wants me to return the favor after her jaw locks up from going downtown for 45 minutes, I can say, “No, bitch. I might get cancer.”



October 26, 2011

The life of Steve Jobs

Filed under: On the 6 o'clock news — BJ @ 11:57 pm

The sudden death of Steve Jobs shook the world three weeks ago in ways that only a man of his stature can. After a six-year on-and-off battle that claimed Jobs at the age of 56, I admit when I heard the news I was as speechless and shell-shocked as when 9/11 happened. Like 9/11, this might be another event I’ll always remember where I was and what I was doing when I heard the news.

While the media scrambled to disclose as much about Jobs’ life as possible, I wanted to share a few things I learned from this article.

Before Jobs ever had pancreatic cancer, he still asked himself the question, “What if this was my last day?” In questioning whether to skip a business meeting or ask out his future wife, Laurene: “I was in the parking lot with the key in the car, and I thought to myself, ‘If this is my last night on Earth, would I rather spend it at a business meeting or with this woman?’ I ran across the parking lot, asked her if she’d have dinner with me. She said yes, we walked into town and we’ve been together ever since.”

If that’s not the most money way a nerd has ever closed on a good-looking girl, please enlighten me.

Jobs called his experience with LSD “one of the two or three most important things I have done in my life.” That’s a pretty monumental statement for one of the most respected and renowned billionaires in the world. And it also supplements the small study released last month that suggests that one use of magic mushrooms improves one’s personality in the long-term.

My friends pressure me all the time to smoke marijuana to get my creative juices flowing, and it’s no secret that many successful artists use marijuana and cocaine. But man, one more source telling me to use a hard drug, and I’ll feel obliged to try it once for career’s sake.

Of Bill Gates, Jobs said, “I wish him the best, I really do. I just think he and Microsoft are a bit narrow. He’d be a broader guy if he had dropped acid once or gone off to an ashram when he was younger.”

And then there’s his famous Stanford commencement address in 2005. I’ll admit  I hadn’t watched it even after his death, but only when a weekly screenwriting newsletter advised to re-watch it for motivation. What a deep, wise man who elaborately discussed what so many people are afraid of hearing about – death. He examined the bigger things in life, like mortality, and with his “three to six-month” life expectancy post-diagnosis, I’m certain he was happy with the actions he chose in his last six years.


October 25, 2011

That’s Not Beef, That’s Pork

Filed under: TMZ ish — BJ @ 12:25 am
Tags: , , ,

If what Jonah Hill says is true–and Matthew Morrison isn’t denying it–then good for Jonah for calling him out. In fact, if there’s one thing missing from Hollywood, it’s two actors publicly calling each other out.

I liked Jonah’s tirade on ‘Jimmy Fallon’ for two reasons. 1) He’s still funny skinny. He looked startlingly unhealthy and unfunny when he first stepped out in his new frame, but he’s still got it. It’s different, but he’s definitely still got it. 2) Unlike anyone else, he’s so candid about Hollywood events and people.

Morrison’s response:

No one messes with someone from musical theatre. I heard that Jonah Hill said I should bring my shit next time. Well guess what, this is next time! I can sing my way out of it…and I can dance my way out of it. Be very afraid because no one messes with someone from musical theatre…This just got real, man.

How nonthreatening but fitting coming from a dude from theater. Check out Jonah’s interview here.
Ashton Kutcher‘s mistress revealed the nature of their relationship with Us Weekly, and Kutcher rivals Tiger Woods in weird shit they got caught saying that normal guys wouldn’t. But then again, these are the cheating type.
  1. Kutcher wanted a threesome on his sixth wedding anniversary, and no, Demi Moore was not one of the other two.
  2. After they had sex, he asked if she could name up-and-coming candidates, probably to test how dumb she was.
  3. He looked through her text messages and said “See, this is stuff I can’t have happen” before a bodyguard came in and took her phone away, promising her she’d get it back when she left.
  4. He opened her robe, and when she asked what he was doing, he said, “Just checking. Okay, I did good! You’re really pretty.”

I guess Demi’s jealousy wasn’t without merit, as Kutcher had been chatting up extras in his recent movies. Way to choose that perfect night for that special someone.

Shia LaBeouf made headlines for some more crazy antics, this time for getting in a bar fight in Vancouver. Allegedly, Shia was drunk and talkative and threatened the shirtless fatty with talks of a knife before getting pounded on outside. I don’t know what was better: the part when his friend pinned him up against the wall, got so close to his face he could’ve kissed him and said, “You better lay low right now.” (As if there are actually good times for Shia to get in bar fights and ruin his lucrative career.) or when Shia allegedly came back up to the window, made a throat-slashing gesture and left. Story and video here.


October 24, 2011

Salon shooting

As the public services for the eight victims wrapped up this weekend, a 41-year-old man is locked up for committing the worst shooting in O.C. history.

He went into a salon in Seal Beach at a time when every hair-dressing station was full and went to kill his ex-wife, who he was in a custody battle with over their 8-year-old son. Sadly, he couldn’t think that his actions would cut all the time he spent with him.

A ninth person remains in critical condition in a city that had only seen one homicide in the last four years. Here’s an article on the murderer’s interesting last few years.


October 21, 2011

Martha Marcy May Marlene review

Filed under: Movie reviews — BJ @ 4:37 pm

On Sunday, I attended a pre-release screening of Martha Marcy May Marlene in Santa Monica followed by a brief Q&A with writer-director Sean Durkin.

The movie was filled with amazing performances by, most notably the big names, Elizabeth Olsen and John Hawkes. To compare, Olsen outshines Jennifer Lawrence, who received a Best Actress Oscar nod for last year’s Winter’s Bone, Hawkes outdoes himself in the same film, where he received a Best Supporting Oscar bid and I would love to see a Best Picture nomination for a film ten times better than Winter’s Bone, which was one of last year’s Best Pictures.

Durkin created a masterpiece in his feature debut and for under $1 million, setting a disturbing tone throughout, transitioning perfectly between the two time periods and finishing the last quarter of the movie in a Black Swan-like craze. He won Best Director at this year’s Sundance Film Festival.

The lesser-known Olsen sister starts her acting career off with a bang, starring in three indie movies this year, including a horror and a comedy drama. Great body (two nip shots, full backside), highly likable and yes, I have a movie crush on her. The 22-year-old will be in three movies next year alongside Robert De Niro, Zac Efron and Dakota Fanning.

Martha Marcy May Marlene comes out in limited released today.

Rating: 5 stars out of 5


October 19, 2011

Charlie Sheen roast

Filed under: On the 6 o'clock news — BJ @ 1:15 am

I saw this article that ranked the ten funniest jokes that they could post from Charlie Sheen‘s roast, and I was impressed by the hilarious jokes so I had to see the rest of what they had to offer. The roast became the second most-watched telecast on Comedy Central but was easily outdone by the Two and a Half Men season premiere which played at the same time, the 28.7 million viewers a sitcom high.

Below is my list of jokes aimed only at Sheen. Four jokes from the article made my Top 14 (12, 7, 3, 1).

(14) “Admittedly, Charlie gets a little confused sometimes. He’s the only guy who pulls a knife on a woman already willing to fuck him.” – Kate Walsh

(13) “He’s Jewish. And not because his mother’s a Jew but because CBS paid him $50 million. And he still sued the network.” – Jon Lovitz

(12) “Charlie allegedly made a prostitute cry at the Plaza Hotel. I want to tell you though, Charlie, I think she’s lying ‘cause I saw the scene where you got arrested in Wall Street. You can’t even make yourself cry.” – Seth MacFarlane

(11) “He was the star of Hot Shots. Which is also what Charlie feels when he takes a piss.” – Seth MacFarlane

(10) “He’s the reason a dick with cocaine on it is called a Sheenis.” – Seth MacFarlane

(9) “Honestly, Charlie, I never thought I would live to see the night that you would live to see this night.” – Seth MacFarlane

(8) “How much blow can Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.” – Jon Lovitz

(7) “I’m 80 years old…how come it looks like we went to high school together?” – William Shatner

(6) “If you’re winning, then this must not be a child custody hearing.” – Jeff Ross

(5) “Don’t you want to live to see their first 12 steps?” – Jeff Ross

(4) “You were amazing in Platoon. Your marriage to Denise Richards, it was kind of like her Vietnam ‘cause she was constantly afraid of being killed by Charlie.” – Amy Schumer

(3) “There’s a lot of Sheen on TV this evening. When this show airs, tonight on Two and a Half Men, they’re actually having Charlie’s pretend funeral, believe it or not. But there’s no need to switch over though. Just wait a few months, you can probably see the real thing.” – Seth MacFarlane

(2) “There is no denying how famous you are. I mean it was international news when you ruined the lives of those two girls living with you. You know, your daughters.” – Amy Schumer

(1) “You know what’s amazing? Despite all those years of abusing your lungs, your kidneys, your liver, the only thing you had removed was your kids.” – Kate Walsh


October 18, 2011

Fast food review

Filed under: Food reviews — BJ @ 11:00 pm

Today’s edition of Fast Food Review is dedicated to Taco Bell’s new Original Chicken Flatbread Sandwich.

Pros: Great prices; they are what fast food prices should be. You can get a combo for $5, something you can’t get at McDonald’s or anywhere else anymore.

Cons: Just like their burrito I had, there’s so much tortilla. I guess you get what you pay for. But instead of doing that, just make smaller tortillas and fool the consumers. This is just blatant robbery with disappointed customers.

I had someone tell me she couldn’t finish her Mexican Pizza it was so bad, which is shocking given that that’s Taco Bell’s go-to choice and a classic item. Is this place cutting back after their “not meat” lawsuit?

As you can tell, I had a bleh experience with things to gripe about. The following story made this all funny.

Every time I get an opportunity to fill out a survey from a receipt with a possible prize, I’ll do it. And I’ll be honest with my feedback. So I gave Taco Bell a piece of my mind, and a couple of weeks later, I get a call about the survey I completed.

A couple of weeks after that and a timely return of a notarized affidavit, and yours truly is a proud owner of an Apple iPad 2, a value of $499. 1) Now you actually know someone who won one of these things and 2) maybe, it’ll encourage you to start doing the same.

But not really because you’re decreasing my chances of winning.


October 7, 2011

This weekend’s forecast

Filed under: On the 6 o'clock news — BJ @ 11:36 am

First camping trip with the boys.

Los Padres National Forest (weather from Frazier Park)

Fri Sat Sun
Partly Cloudy Sunny Sunny
High: 58° High: 66° High: 67°
Low: 47° Low: 51° Low: 53°


October 5, 2011

Screenwriting Expo

Filed under: For your pleasure — BJ @ 4:55 pm

Last month was the annual Screenwriting Expo at the Westin LAX Hotel, the biggest gathering of (aspiring) screenwriters. You have to pay at least $110 to have the right to pay $6 each for 90-minute seminars, and I definitely would not have gone had they not offered a work-for-a-pass program. You commit to a 7.5-hour volunteer shift for the Basic Pass plus free seminars. I even came up on my shift, finishing in six hours, and more importantly, spending that time at the Pitchfest, but more on that later.

I went every day to the 4-day conference and really came out of it with a lot more than I expected, and I met some cool writers along the way.


I went to two seminars by Danny Manus, the script consultant who I actually heard speak at The Great American Pitchfest a few months earlier. He basically prepped those who were going to pitch later in the weekend how to pitch and how to make loglines, query letters and one-sheets.

At the end of his second seminar, he thought it would be a good idea to read everyone’s logline on the spot, which not only was an absolute bore to listen to almost 100 loglines, but the ideas that some of these people come up with and seriously think that these could be commercial movies are laughable. He read two straight loglines about cannibals and told us that one of the craziest pitches he ever heard was about a man who was walking along the shore as he was about to lose his beach home when a huge wave washed ashore a seal. The seal raped the man, and he had an epiphany on how to save his home. True story.

Later that night, I heard Kurt Wimmer speak. It should be noted that Guest Sessions help a writer the least, as they’re mainly filled with interesting industry anecdotes but nothing directly fruitful to one’s learning or breaking in. Wimmer, like many professional writers, was quite a character, with a ponytail, cowboy boots that would put John Wayne to shame and tattoos on each of his fingers.

He talked about his directorial debut and how no one from the studio once asked him if he had ever directed before. He spent some time discussing Salt and how what he felt to be the most emotional scene was cut from the movie because the studio thought it would’ve made viewers have a negative reaction towards the protagonist. Just another example of studios thinking they know the movie better than writers, or anybody; that and the studio’s decision to make Salt 2 to Wimmer’s reluctance.


I went to another pitch seminar by Chris Soth, who I had heard in a teleseminar before and sells himself on his $750,000 spec sale from his USC thesis screenplay, Firestorm. Soth, who wanted Sylvester Stallone running around with fire everywhere in a $120 million blockbuster, ended up with Howie Long as his lead, who he didn’t even know, in a $19 million budgeted flop – it made $8 million at the box office. Soth, who would make a great high school teacher with his energy and humor, wrote Outrage released in 2009, which turned out even worse. “Those who can’t, teach.” (I’ll save that for a whole ‘nother post.)

I heard producer Dan Goldberg share some stories. He talked a lot about his first screenplay and one of Ivan Reitman‘s first directorial films, a 1979 flick with Bill Murray called Meatballs. But he also spent some time on The Hangover franchise and Due Date. Again, more fun than anything.

The next two seminars were probably the most helpful from the weekend, and they were on how to write studio quality action lines and dialogue by Michael Ferris and Robert Flaxman, general formatting you could read in books but nothing like the way the pros tell you it has to be. Ferris co-wrote Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, Terminator Salvation and Surrogates. He was a Make-a-Wish Kid and to pay it forward, created Script-a-Wish, where as part of his consulting service, if your script’s good enough, he’ll forward it on to his industry contacts. A touching story and a good man who sincerely wants to help others succeed and personally responded to my email on some specific formatting questions.


Instead of a door monitor, I traded with someone to help out at the Pitchfest, the main event of the Expo. Over 20 entertainment, management and production companies came to hear 5-minute pitches in a speed-dating manner. You pay about $20 for each company you want to pitch to and sit at a table – just you and the exec. A pretty intimidating setting, and although, I didn’t pitch, it felt good being in the room and taking in the whole experience.

Afterward, the volunteer coordinator told us we could attend the networking reception that night. It was a $30 value, and I ate some good Souplantation-style pasta, but the event was mainly filled with other writers, not who the people there want to network with.

Before then, I heard Shane Salerno speak, and he genuinely seemed to want to help people break in. The writer-producer talked a lot about his movie coming out next year, Savages, an adaptation of a dark novel directed by Oliver Stone, with an amazing cast headed by Blake Lively and John Travolta.


I had a fun seminar with Terri Zinner, Senior VP at Gallagher Literary, on story coverage and what not to do. It felt like she was one of the few working professionals leading a seminar, which is always a plus.

I rounded out the Expo with two comedy seminars by Steve Kaplan, and I must admit it was pretty disappointing. Along with Evan Smith‘s comedy seminar which I caught half of the day before, it might be deduced that comedy is something you can’t teach. Both instructors showed hilarious movie clips and essentially said, “See what they did right?” It was especially disappointing because Kaplan’s a pretty big name, and those same seminars I took drawn out over two days goes for $375. But then again, I’d never pay for these courses.


October 3, 2011

Drive and Moneyball reviews

Filed under: Movie reviews — BJ @ 11:09 pm
Tags: , , ,

Last Wednesday, the Regal Cinemas at L.A. Live offered $5 movies all day, and so I made the trek out there that night to catch up on the latest. On the day that movie prices were cheapest, I movie-hopped for the first time in my life. That’s right, I saved $5. Tens more on any other night; weeknight admission prices at this theater are $12.50.


I only remember one three-second clip from this movie, and I was sold based on its IMDb rating (at its peak, it reached an 8.6 or an 8.8) and the intriguing premise. It was to put it simply, refreshing. It started out as an innocent love story between Ryan Gosling and Carey Mulligan‘s characters, and then halfway through the movie on, no one in the theater expected it to play out the way it did.

Ladies looking for a fun Gosling flick will be shocked at the extreme violence, as two girls next to me covered their faces with their hands at some moments and a girl behind me said in Korean, “That’s too disgusting.” Dumb bitch.

Gosling delivers as he always does with a captivating performance, and Nicolas Refn won Best Director at this year’s Cannes Film Festival. The plot reminds me of No Country For Old Men set in modern-day L.A. with a 1980’s feel, and Mulligan is a Michelle Williams doppelganger, who Gosling starred with in last year’s Blue Valentine. Gosling, who starred in Crazy, Stupid, Love. earlier this year, is in The Ides of March, which comes out this Friday, and he and Refn team up again in next year’s Thai thriller, Only God Forgives.

Rating: 5 stars out of 5


I went into this movie with low expectations, mainly because I saw some awful baseball shots in the commercials. I hate sports movies for this reason, and even last year’s The Fighter exhibited unrealistic fight sequences, which really ruin the movie for me. I’m glad that they kept it to an absolute minimum and used mainly historical footage, which totally worked.

The whole format was The Social Network all over again–a winning formula–and that’s not surprising given that Aaron Sorkin got to have his hands on this script. Typical genius dialogue from Sorkin, another flawless adaptation of a true story and another 8+ IMDb rating. A well-executed movie with fine performances by Brad Pitt and Jonah Hill. Sorkin’s projects to be released next year are a TV movie and a musical, Follies, which already has “winner” written all over it.

Rating: 5 stars out of 5


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