Me and My Nine Iron

December 8, 2011

Million dollar spread

Wow. Two posts a month isn’t going to cut it, asshole. Since I’ve only been adding to my list of topics to write about (like my movies queue), I should probably tackle the timely stuff because well, I just can’t let things go. Like my ex-girlfriend.

Just kidding.

Playboy is all but dead among the new generation, where we can all fap our little hearts out without paying a token. That isn’t to say the struggling company doesn’t attempt to lure celebrities with big-pay nude spreads. (You can see where this is going.)

A lot of people don’t think Lindsay Lohan is pretty, and when she has dyed-white hair, loads of makeup on and gaudy slutwear, she couldn’t exude trashy anymore than she already does. But when she’s not this current self, I think the freckled red-head is fine, and that’s why I’m actually excited for this Playboy issue coming out later this month.

The family is tons of sexual fun, as the day after Lohan agreed with Playboy for a cool milion, her dad got arrested for hitting Kate Major because she refused to blow him. My guess is Major, who was previously linked to Jon Gosselin, wanted to go back to the Kogi beef when she saw Mr. Lohan whip his out.

LiLo was sentenced to six days in jail but virtually walked in and out due to overcrowding, and people are obviously upset about that. Yes, she violated her probation, which means she fucked up again, and thus, should get a stiff sentence, but I’d rather have the violent criminals in there over her. It’s the same reason why Conrad Murray will be serving very little of his four-year prison sentence, if not entirely under house arrest. Yes, he killed someone, but I don’t consider him violent. How he hasn’t yet lost his medical license is another story.

It would only be right to have LiLo and Kim Kardashian in the same post so that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

As much as Kardashian’s failed wedding can be seen as a scheme to make $20 million(!), which might be the most absurd thing I’ve heard all year (you got that, Sandusky?), in which formerly-Mr. Kardashian claims that Kim just needed a groom for her reality show, I read her side of the story in US Weekly (an absolute garbage magazine filled with celebrity sightings, “Who wore it better?” polls and provides nothing you can’t find on TMZ or Yahoo! omg!), and if true, she makes some valid points. But the bottom line is they’re both at fault, and even if it’s tougher under the microscope as a celebrity, this motivation poster couldn’t be truer.

But not really.




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    Comment by Royce Tortolano — January 8, 2012 @ 9:09 pm | Reply

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