Me and My Nine Iron

January 31, 2012

My perfect girl

Filed under: TMZ ish — BJ @ 11:25 pm
Tags: ,

She broke up with fellow thespian Sebastian Stan last month because she was “super jealous” “he was cheating on her while he was away filming.” That to me makes her even more attractive, but if you’re not sold, please read on.

She has an active blog, a very active Twitter and a website that if that was the only thing she did, I would still be impressed. But no, she’s only on one of the hottest primetime TV shows. And she can sing.

One of the most beautiful girls not just in Hollywood, this isn’t the first and it won’t be the last love letter resume sales pitch introduction about her.

Dianna, I think we would get along because you see, we’re already on the same page about the important stuff. Oh, you don’t know? Let my good friend Rivers Cuomo and his buddies put it in a song for you.



January 24, 2012

What grinds my gears

Filed under: On the 6 o'clock news — BJ @ 11:59 pm
Tags: ,

Butt boosting

Having your dad pull your loose tooth when you were a kid to save a trip to the doctor is one thing, but going to some janky guy’s garage to get butt and breast implants to save a few bucks is not the way to go.

I’ve heard friends say we shouldn’t have laws that protect the ridiculously idiotic and in this case–yeah, of course–but c’mon. You’re injecting cement, super glue, caulk and tire sealant in these poor ladies and taking their $700, and you’re telling me they’re not at all culpable when this makeshift cosmetic operation has proven fatal in recent history.

Maybe, I should hold off on that homemade teeth whitening system I see in all those internet ads.

Child porn

An elementary school principal was sentenced to 30 years in prison after pleading guilty to one count of producing child pornography at his school. He had “used hidden cameras in the school bathroom to secretly capture videos depicting the genitals of male students.”

While that serves as an example as to why I always look around for hidden cameras when I use public bathrooms, I can’t imagine Jerry Sandusky not getting multiple life terms in comparison. Not at all mitigating the severity of the principal’s crime, but he didn’t touch a single kid. And he got 30 years.

Sandusky is charged with 40 counts of sexual abuse of young boys over a 15-year period, including 7 counts of involuntary deviate sexual intercourse on eight boys and anally raping a 10-year-old boy. Oh, and by the way, he’s currently free on $250,000 bail.

You know it’s bad when 10 days after being indicted, your phone interview with Bob Costas goes something like this:

COSTAS: “Are you sexually attracted to young boys, to underage boys?”

SANDUSKY: “Am I sexually attracted to underage boys?”

COSTAS: “Yes.”

SANDUSKY: “Sexually attracted, you know, I enjoy young people. I love to be around them. But no I’m not sexually attracted to young boys.”

Repeating the question and not firmly denying it in your opening sentence means 1) You’re trying not to lie, which is a good thing and 2) You’re a pedophile, which is not.

Gay sports

In November, David Testo came out and announced he was openly gay, making him the first gay American soccer player while still active. Just a month later, this has already been incorporated into our video games.


January 23, 2012

Oh, Mrs. Clooney

Filed under: TMZ ish — BJ @ 11:03 pm
Tags: ,

While you may believe you’re in something special with the sexiest bachelor alive, recent history has shown you have no more than a year and a half left before he replaces your sweet 32-year-old bod with a new 31-year-old. He gets older, they stay the same age.

But seriously, it was kind of freaky to see Stacy Keibler in a black bikini on a yacht in Cannes just like his former girlfriend, Elisabetta Canalis just months earlier. It’s like some sick routine he has with all of his girls. 32. Black bikini. Yacht in Cannes.

Oh and by the way, George, I can fit in that size small. Certain areas might be bulging, but I’m just naughty like that.


January 21, 2012

My mood

Filed under: For your pleasure — BJ @ 5:25 pm

“Is it true that if you don’t use it, you lose it?”


January 20, 2012

Fast food racism

Filed under: On the 6 o'clock news — BJ @ 7:24 pm

As I’m sure you’ve all heard by now, there’s been two instances of racism towards Asians in a one-month period – both done via the receipt name at fast food joints.

Last month, a Chick-Fil-A cashier thought she was clever in putting “Ching” and “Chong” on two different receipts to UC Irvine students even though their names were never asked. Their Korean resident adviser who posted the receipts actually defended the company, saying that one individual’s behavior is not reflective of the company name, which was very mature of him to do.

And in New York last week, a Korean girl was named “lady chinky eyes” on her Papa John’s receipt, as if the cashier was to make no mistake of their intentions. Unfortunately, the Papa John’s manager defended the teenage cashier, saying that it was “a way to identify her and her order.” He went on to say:

“I think the lady put it out there just to get some attention — some people like that type of attention. I truly don’t think it’s fair. It’s been taking up all our time. It’s been very disruptive.”

If the restaurant owner, who said he was shocked and upset by the incident, hasn’t canned that manager, I hope Papa John’s steps in and takes the necessary action because no way in hell should “management” be condoning racist behavior towards its customers.

In a hilarious and witty furor to the incident, people then prank called Papa John’s asking for Chinese food to the point where it started to affect their business. Both cashiers were fired, and I guess it’s true to expect no less out of $8 an hour workers.

Sadly, there are still those out there, including three of the 49 most recent comments from both articles that say “get over it.” I can guarantee all of those people are white and not picking on white people, but as with any race, there will be those idiot few who feel that racism or what have you is completely acceptable and not a big deal. They’re detached from it because it doesn’t concern them and could never hurt them, as they’re the superior race in their eyes.

If you don’t like being called something (or if it’s politically incorrect) and I keep calling you that, you don’t think that would bother you? Show a little compassion. And for those that say go back to where you came from–and I did read a comment from someone saying that and was personally told that no more than five years ago (to China, mind you)–get the fuck outta here, you ignorant, bigoted fucks. The world isn’t big enough for you closed-minded, insecure losers to succeed in life.


January 18, 2012

Contraband review

Filed under: Movie reviews — BJ @ 12:58 am

I don’t remember reading too many comments where I agreed with the reviewer 100%, but I loved what this person on IMDb had to say so I’ll paraphrase.

The first half was mechanical and cliche, but it finishes strong with plot twists and closure. The best thing to come out of this movie is a maniacal Giovanni Ribisi as the primary villain, who gives a performance reminiscent of Heath Ledger‘s Joker in The Dark Knight; the worst a blonde Kate Beckinsale, who is neither eye candy nor a character with any substance. Yet like the reviewer, I “somewhat enjoyed the movie somehow.”

Baltasar Kormakur made his American directing debut in the remake of Reykjavik-Rotterdam, a 2008 Icelandish film where he was the lead actor in the original (yet another remake of a recent European movie). He’ll direct Mark Wahlberg again in next year’s 2 Guns, a comic book adaptation that at this time last year had David O. Russell (The Fighter) directing Vince Vaughn in the action comedy.

Rating: 3 stars out of 5

IMDb rating: 6.9
What it should be: 6.9



January 15, 2012

My dream

Filed under: For your pleasure — BJ @ 6:20 pm

I just had a dream I was paired up with Lea Michele in some sort of small group talent show, where we go around the circle performing our talent with our partner. Only Lea wanted to sing on her own at the last minute, leaving me to fend for myself, and when it came to my turn, I had to pass embarrassingly. What an egotistical bitch.


January 12, 2012

2011 year in review

Filed under: On the 6 o'clock news — BJ @ 5:32 pm

As we near the end of the second week of the new year, here’s a look back at the historic and event-filled 2011.

My favorites:

  • Killing Osama bin Laden on the 10-year anniversary of 9/11.
  • The deaths of Steve Jobs and several international leaders, most notably, Kim Jong-il.
  • Occupy movements, which will look like a section in the history books misplaced from the 1970s.


January 10, 2012

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo review

Filed under: Movie reviews — BJ @ 3:18 pm

Long and good. Two words to describe David Fincher‘s works.

Seven of his nine features are over two hours long, and this is his fourth movie over 8.0 on IMDb. He knows how to make good cinema, and Dragon Tattoo is no different, along with his signature gray, twisted feel.

Rooney Mara is outstanding as a lesbian badass, but I have but two knocks on this movie. The first is the length. At 2:38, the first half of the movie was slow to pick up, and I was feeling detached from this slowly-unfolding murder mystery. It was amazing to see Mara and Daniel Craig‘s characters together for the first time at about the 75-minute mark.

The last, and much more concerning truth, is that this movie does not stand up on its own. Adapted from a Swedish novel, there are holes with some of the characters that prove fatal to the story when discovered. Not having read the Millenium series, I can assure you some names just don’t add up, which is unfortunate because it was really good otherwise.

Craig and Mara will be back for the next two films, but it is unclear when that will be or whether Fincher will come back. In 2009, Sweden came out with all three films, making the U.S. again look like a ripoff of a recently-made European movie. 2010’s Let Me In was a remake of 2008’s Norwegian Let the Right One In.

Box office results were also considered modest despite breaking the $100 million mark, but that’s probably because it went up against a $90 million budget that likely wasn’t required.

Rating: 4 stars out of 5

IMDb rating: 8.2
What it should be: 7.2



January 7, 2012

My dream

Filed under: For your pleasure — BJ @ 12:43 pm

I just had a dream I flirted with Dianna Agron, who was dating my close friend and was in the same room with us. Men, hide your girlfriends.


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