Me and My Nine Iron

July 19, 2012

This and that

Filed under: For your pleasure — BJ @ 7:17 pm
Tags: ,

  1. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a girlfriend. And while I appreciated our adult conversations on politics and other matters of relative importance, I’m just not looking for that right now. I want a girl who likes to talk celebrity gossip. Someone who looks boring. Someone like Kristen Stewart.
  2. Being an uncle really is the coolest thing because you really can have all the fun with them and then just bounce whenever they need to be fed, changed, bathed or put to sleep. They’re like an awesome pet that’s not yours.
  3. The notion that golf is a relaxing sport is complete bullshit. There’s no doubt everyone walks off the golf course with a higher BP than when they stepped on. I don’t understand the stereotype of husbands getting away from the wife and kids for an even bigger stress fest. I mean, if it’s this hard for pros who have to restrain themselves on TV, we have no shot.
  4. Speaking of golf, it’s funny how it’s supposed to be this hoity toity sport, yet I find so many assholes on the golf course. Mostly when you almost hit them with your ball, one would think you just fucked their sister. Even though it happens so often, they invented a word for it (“Fore!”). Chucking your ball back is obviously a good one, but this young dad put up a good act when my friend almost hit him. On the last hole, he and his young children were chilling by the pond when my friend’s drive came within ten yards of him. He didn’t move, didn’t say anything and just stared down my friend as he took his second shot. Not until after we finished up the hole and were heading to the parking lot did he finally accuse my friend of deliberately attempting to hit them, which is obviously the most absurd thing ever, considering my friend couldn’t hit the broadside of a barn from ten yards out. But who says something ten minutes after the fact? If it bothered you so much, say something from the start, you overly defensive parent.
  5. I might be the only one who looks over my right shoulder to change to the right lane. There is no way all you guys cover all your blind spots by just looking at the rearview and sideview mirrors. Just sayin’.
  6. I hate running into people from high school. Oh, and when you tell me I’m being awkward, you just made the situation even more awkward than it was. And I’m not saying much because I want you to get the hint that I don’t want to talk to you, which you obviously failed at.
  7. Don’t directly joke with people you don’t know…unless you’re flirting. For some reason, guys I just met constantly joke with me like so, “That’ll be $30.” “What?” (thinking it’s free). “I’m just kidding.” I don’t know if you’re serious, it makes things weird and it’s never funny. Because I don’t know you. Just stop it.
  8. Don’t correct people…especially if you’re wrong. I went to use a coupon for a free popcorn at the movie theater, and I used the word ‘redeem’ to the young girl. She gave me a condescending, “What? You mean ‘use’?” and I immediately regretted not giving her a piece of my mind. Or maybe, I should’ve used the ten-minute rule. I don’t know if you’re too stupid to know the definition of ‘redeem’, which is probably the better word to use (to exchange for money or goods; I can’t believe I looked that up), or you thought ‘use’ was the only correct word to use, but you’re wrong, popcorn girl. I should’ve thrown the free popcorn in her face. Or taken it up with management. That was ridiculous. I was a fucking customer.
  9. I had the strangest phone conversation with a guy from the DMV. When I told him my name, he said, “That’s two first names.” Okay…and then in response to my last name, his next insightful remark was, “That’s Korean.” Yeah, and you’re black. I could tell by your voice. Your point?
  10. I will argue to the death that the DMV is the hardest place to get ahold of. In particular, (866) 682-2151; conveniently, the refund department. I’ve given up on getting my vehicle license fee refund. I left a call back number and never heard back. They had over five hours to call me back that day. Every other time is a recording saying they’re so busy, call back later. And they hang up. They don’t even give you another option. Fucking shady. If you can reach this number, you deserve a slow clap.
  11. When did farting become socially accepted? I must have missed the memo. I can understand if an 80-year-old man rips one in front of everyone because old-man-don’t-give-a-shit, but these are friends from different groups and random people who feel that it’s totally okay to drop a silent-but-deadly while walking in a crowd or my favorite, on a packed subway, where a black lady gave me the dirtiest look thinking it was me. I’m going to start Occupy Stop the Farting.
  12. Another socially unacceptable norm: PDA. Even homophobes don’t want to see excessive PDA from straight couples, and the things they do are way more disgusting. Things like repeated pecks or anything cutesy where they act like they’re the only ones there, smooches, tongue, more than a few kisses throughout an entire sitting, ass grabbing or slapping and waddling like ducks while holding her from behind. Get that shit outta here.
  13. I went to a rock show last month, and I worried for my hearing, sad that I didn’t bring ear plugs. I swear the sound reached the threshold of my ear drums popping. But I know I’m not that old…
  14. …because I have friends who listen to talk radio. If I want to hear people talk, I’ll call my mother. If I want to hear people’s opinions, I’ll ask my friends. The radio is meant to play music…and give freeway updates.
  15. If you want something, don’t wait for it to come to you. Bruce Springsteen on playing a Whitney Houston tribute with Paul McCartney at this year’s Grammys, “I’ve been waiting for the phone call to play with Paul since 1964.” The ultimate I’m-going-to-wait-for-him-to-reach-out-to-me that took almost 50 years and a black woman’s death to make it happen.




  1. 11) I’m buttmad I get a whiff of it.

    Comment by Bryan — July 20, 2012 @ 1:06 am | Reply

  2. I want to hear more BJ rants in the future. I had a good laugh reading this one.
    1) Bro, seriously? Kristen Stewart? She has the personality of *insert woodenplank.jpg*
    2) Good uncles are sometimes better than fathers. I like your perspective of it.
    3-4) We all know only assholes play golf.
    5) You drive a minivan… it’s different.
    6) LULZ
    7) This does have a little bit to do with you being a semi-poorsport. But then again… I secretly despise these people too.
    8) She’s a popcorn vendor at a movie chain bro, she’s along the same career hierarchy as a couple of kids running a lemonade stand.
    11) Has it been socially accepted or are you buttmad about people just getting a sneaky one past?
    12) I hate this too, unless I’m the one getting the treatment ( which i think applies to fucking everyone single).
    14) Only one dipshit we know listens to talk radio, we know what volumes that speaks about him.

    Comment by Ja-Hon Suh — July 19, 2012 @ 9:41 pm | Reply

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