Me and My Nine Iron

September 21, 2012

R.I.P. Tony Scott

On August 7, Arrested Development started shooting new episodes, and this one of Michael Cera as an Anteater (zot! zot!) was released – looking awkward as ever on a Segway. Awesome.

I came across this Dear Abby question, and I couldn’t not talk about it.

DEAR ABBY: One night I woke up to my cat scratching at my bedroom door to be let in. When I got up and opened the door, I heard my parents making love. They were so loud it grossed me out, because my little sister is 10 and we share a room right next to theirs. She still doesn’t know about this kind of stuff.

It goes on to ask what she should do, but here’s the dumbass response this poor girl got.

DEAR GROSSED OUT: Do not tell your parents to go to a motel. If the cat hadn’t wakened you and you hadn’t opened your bedroom door, you wouldn’t have heard a thing. Be glad that you have parents who love each other and that you didn’t overhear them fighting.

If your sister ever wakes up and gets scared, she should know she can wake you up.

P.S. At age 10, your sister shouldn’t be completely in the dark about the facts of life. And the person who should be talking to her about them is her mother.

The fact that the cat woke her up is irrelevant. If she were to get up to go to the bathroom, she would’ve heard it also. It’s not like she put her ear by her parents’ door and tried to hear it. They’re not allowed to be as loud as they want just because it’s a good thing that’s not fighting. That’s the stupidest reason ever. And I would much prefer to hear my parents fight than have sex. But that’s just me.

I also disagree that a 10-year-old can go on in life without learning about sex and reproduction, but if need be, how would her mother know to talk about it when stupid Abby told her daughter to keep her mouth shut? I say let it go the first time, but if it keeps happening, slam the door as loud as possible. The end. They seriously let anyone give advice. Send your burning questions my way, and I’ll answer them better than this iconic broad.

Finally, R.I.P. to Tony Scott, who committed suicide on August 19 at the age of 68. The shocking nature of the director-producer’s death–by jumping off a bridge in L.A. infamous for jumpers–was made even more tragic when a source claimed he had inoperable brain cancer. However, that was later refuted by his family.

The crazy thing about Ridley Scott‘s younger brother is that he had a very illustrious career, was very much working with over three dozen projects in development and had never been busier than in his last two years. It’s too bad those questions of why will go unanswered. I know it sounds crazy, but it feels like we lost one in the family. R.I.P.

  • Top Gun (director)
  • Beverly Hills Cop II (director)
  • The Last Boy Scout (director)
  • True Romance (director)
  • Crimson Tide (director)
  • The Fan (director)
  • Clay Pigeons (executive producer)
  • Enemy of the State (director)
  • Spy Game (director)
  • Man on Fire (director, producer)
  • Numb3rs (TV Series) (executive producer)
  • Deja Vu (director)
  • The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford (executive producer)
  • The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 (director, producer)
  • The Good Wife (TV Series) (executive producer)
  • Cyrus (executive producer)
  • The A-Team (producer)
  • Unstoppable (director, producer)
  • The Grey (executive producer)
  • Prometheus (producer)
  • The East (producer)
  • Stoker (executive producer)
  • Out of the Furnace (producer)
  • Prometheus 2 (producer) (announced)



September 17, 2012


Carl Crawford, the victim. The $20 million player has since been traded to the Dodgers.

In July, the Massachusetts mayor elected to fire an officer for a racial slur of a baseball player while off-duty at a baseball game. The racial slur in question? A Monday – a use of the word I don’t know anyone I know has ever heard before. The origin:

The word can be used as a derogatory term for blacks, and is often associated with Mondays being one of the most-hated days of the week, such as in the common phrase, ”I hate Mondays.”

First of all, that has got to be the stupidest, least offensive racial slur out of all the races there is. Seriously, that’s something a third-grader would say. The player was immediately offended by it so I’m guessing he knew what that meant, but c’mon. For a race that seems to be the most fiery and physically tough, they’re easily the most sensitive. In fact, I can assure you I just offended someone reading this right now.

Shouldn’t have been said out of sheer lack of creativity and should’ve been a non-issue for the same reason.

Holly Madison will end her run on Las Vegas’ Peepshow on October 21 to focus on adopting a baby from either Africa or South Korea.

Just adopt me. We can pretend I’m from Korea, and we can forgo all the diaper troubles, unless you want to. Looking forward to making babies with my adopted mother.

Update: Madison is pregnant with her boyfriend of less than a year. What was interesting was she said this back in June, “I’m not pregnant right now,” the former Playboy model, 32, said, “but if that happened tomorrow I’d be fine with it.” Looks like it literally did; she conceived in June.

Madison’s boyfriend is actually currently facing up to 13 years in prison on charges of bribery and embezzlement. Sounds like an upstanding dude. If you need help, Holly, holler.

They say the bigger you are, the harder the fall. That couldn’t be more true for two stars who made just one mistake in their personal life that ended up costing them dearly, simultaneously: Chad Johnson, formerly Chad Ochocinco, NFL player and reality TV star, and Kristen Stewart, the highest-paid actress in the last year ($34.5 million).

Johnson’s bad week:

8/11 Arrested for allegedly headbutting his wife, Evelyn Lozada, during an argument which arose from her finding a receipt for a box of condoms.
8/12 Released from the Miami Dolphins for being arrested.
8/13 VH1’s Ev and Ocho, set to premiere in September, is dropped.
8/14 The episode when he was released by the head coach on HBO’s Hard Knocks airs. His wife files for divorce.
8/15 Loses an endorsement deal with coconut water brand Zico.

Update: 9/14 Johnson files for divorce.

Stewart’s bad month:

7/17 Caught by photographers cheating on her boyfriend Robert Pattinson, with her Snow White and the Huntsman director, Rupert Sanders.
7/22 Stewart and Pattinson argue at the Teen Choice Awards.
7/25 Issues public apology.
7/26 Pattinson moves out of their shared home.
8/14 Universal Pictures scraps plans to make a Snow White and the Huntsman sequel and instead will make a movie about The Huntsman.
8/28 Pattinson puts home up for sale.

Update: 9/16 Stewart and Pattinson are back together.

At least one of them had a happy ending. And that includes Sanders and his now-estranged wife, Liberty Ross. I can’t imagine the gifts Sanders is going to shower Ross with on her birthday this Sunday.


May 22, 2012

So long, Wiigdeikberg

I watched Saturday Night Live in full for the first time this season, just in time to watch several regulars perform on the show for the last time. Mick Jagger was host and musical guest for the season finale, and I swear some critics don’t even know what they want, chastising his monologue and comedic chops in the skits. I couldn’t disagree more. I was pleasantly surprised at the rock legend’s humor and thought his monologue was solid.

While Jason Sudeikis was among three rumored to leave following this season, it appears only Kristen Wiig and Andy Samberg are definite, with the last skit being the former’s send-off. Unfortunately, and unlike some, I found the skit unemotional for those not on stage, uncreative and with a sense of confusion over whether Wiig’s tears were genuine. It was that awkward.

Samberg’s farewell to SNL was Lazy Sunday 2, and while his digital shorts are always entertaining, it didn’t have anywhere near the magic of the first one. Otherwise, I’m mostly in agreement over the best and worst skits, as reviewed here.

I always found Stefon–the gay city correspondent on Weekend Update played by Bill Hader–weirdly amusing, and while Hader’s classic fails at holding in his laughter weren’t as frequent, he had some of the most money lines I’ve heard from his character that night.

Even though I agree with the Al Sharpton skit arguably being the worst of the night, the teleprompter misreading was actually one of the few bright spots and garnered some good laughs. They should do it more often. “Al Sharpton lettuce.”

Pretty fun show overall.

Will Smith backhanded a television reporter at the Men in Black 3 Moscow premiere after the male reporter allegedly tried to kiss Smith on the lips. I guess I’m in the minority here because 81% of the almost 230,000 votes said he didn’t overreact – a still-surprising action from the always-upstanding superstar.

Love his wife’s reaction. But I wonder if he would’ve thought twice about doing that in the litigious-happy U.S.

Messed up, but I couldn’t not laugh at this.












May 1, 2012

Facebook porn

Filed under: For your pleasure,TMZ ish — BJ @ 2:34 pm
Tags: , ,

Facebook porn

We all know Facebook doesn’t allow porn so why do porn videos have the ‘share’ button? Just for our stupidity or humiliation in accidentally pressing the ‘share’ button? I checked Facebook once after punching my clown and was terrified to see a porn video on my news feed shared by…me. I don’t recall even accidentally ‘sharing’ and am so glad it wasn’t up for more than a few minutes, which it still very well could’ve been seen by dozens of people. I am forever traumatized by this incident and now check Facebook after my private sessions all the time.

The concept of “frictionless sharing,” which in short, allows apps to post your activity outside Facebook to your timeline, is already in place to some extent. But when it’s fully realized, that’ll just be more troubling news and porn sharing mishaps for the proactive social networking site. And yes, Timeline sucks.

Kobe Bryant is not a winner off the court

Best comment I’ve seen in response to Kobe Bryant being seen with the woman who just took him for $75 million and three homes.

“She’s coming back to take half of your half.”

Just a personal preference: I think it’s such a turnoff when girls get all into sports. Whether they know their stuff or not is irrelevant. This coming from a sports junkie.

Sorry, Gabrielle Union. Your overzealousness at courtside for Dwyane Wade would make me want to punch you in bed.

Why Seth Rogen is cool

Seth Rogen, in response to indie movies and what should’ve won Best Picture last year,

“‘I honestly thought Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol was one of the best movies of the year. It got no love from awards, whatsoever. I loved that fucking movie!’…I watch a lot of movies, but I don’t often seek out these little independent movies when they’re in this phase. I wait until they come out, or I wait until tons of people tell me they’re good because I’m too busy seeing Mission: Impossible.

Rogen, who said he’d rather host the Oscars than win one, hosted the Independent Spirit Awards in February. Let Neil Patrick Harris host all the music awards shows, and give Rogen the movie awards shows. His killer monologue below.


January 31, 2012

My perfect girl

Filed under: TMZ ish — BJ @ 11:25 pm
Tags: ,

She broke up with fellow thespian Sebastian Stan last month because she was “super jealous” “he was cheating on her while he was away filming.” That to me makes her even more attractive, but if you’re not sold, please read on.

She has an active blog, a very active Twitter and a website that if that was the only thing she did, I would still be impressed. But no, she’s only on one of the hottest primetime TV shows. And she can sing.

One of the most beautiful girls not just in Hollywood, this isn’t the first and it won’t be the last love letter resume sales pitch introduction about her.

Dianna, I think we would get along because you see, we’re already on the same page about the important stuff. Oh, you don’t know? Let my good friend Rivers Cuomo and his buddies put it in a song for you.


January 23, 2012

Oh, Mrs. Clooney

Filed under: TMZ ish — BJ @ 11:03 pm
Tags: ,

While you may believe you’re in something special with the sexiest bachelor alive, recent history has shown you have no more than a year and a half left before he replaces your sweet 32-year-old bod with a new 31-year-old. He gets older, they stay the same age.

But seriously, it was kind of freaky to see Stacy Keibler in a black bikini on a yacht in Cannes just like his former girlfriend, Elisabetta Canalis just months earlier. It’s like some sick routine he has with all of his girls. 32. Black bikini. Yacht in Cannes.

Oh and by the way, George, I can fit in that size small. Certain areas might be bulging, but I’m just naughty like that.


December 16, 2011

Girls girls girls

Breaking news: Victoria’s Secret models get their perfect bodies from not eating!

Adriana Lima said in an interview before last month’s annual Victoria’s Secret fashion show that she doesn’t eat solids for nine days leading up to the show, in addition to two workouts a day. So for those of you wondering how to get fit this new year, just stop eating and you’ll be an angel. That’s essentially what Jenny Craig does for you anyway. Why pay someone to tell you to eat a teaspoon of a sandwich?

I know girls like to dress up and have a night out, but I feel like a lot of the times they look worse. And they don’t even know it. Case in point:

Mila Kunis at the Marine Corps Ball.

So not digging the hairstyle, and I think our honorable Marine feels the same way.

It’s no secret that Jennifer Aniston tries her hardest to fight aging, but this new haircut is taking it to a whole new level. It’s as wrong as when 50-year-olds wear tight jeans. A smokin’ 42-year-old indeed, but Rachel Green’s going to bust out that cheerleading outfit pretty damn soon.

My point about Kunis and Aniston, and for all you ladies out there who don’t read my blog, is embrace. Embrace your natural beauty and your age, and you’ll only continue to be prettier. Like Meryl Streep.

No good?


December 9, 2011

The best Black Friday shopping list ever!

Filed under: For your pleasure,TMZ ish — BJ @ 12:56 am

Just to add one thing from the last post…You could probably have sex with a

Leaked Playboy cover.

celebrity for well under a million dollars, but it’s amazing you have to drop seven figures for a few nude photos. Like the saying goes, “take a picture, it’ll last longer.”

Black Friday is a bitch. I tried to stroll into the store at a quarter after midnight. You know, after the hundreds of people waiting in line for days have gone in. If you can imagine how big a Target building is, the line at a quarter after midnight wrapped around half of the building.

Note to self: that doesn’t fucking work. We went back at 3a, and all was well.

  • Batteries
  • Bibs
  • Books at Barnes and Noble (store opens at 9a)
  • Chapstick
  • CD’s
  • Food thermometer
  • Glue gun
  • Granola bars
  • Insoles
  • Toys
  • Wii recharge dock
  • Wine at Total Wine (store opens at 9a)

Name all of the items that me and my friend went shopping for on Black Friday that were not on sale.


December 8, 2011

Million dollar spread

Wow. Two posts a month isn’t going to cut it, asshole. Since I’ve only been adding to my list of topics to write about (like my movies queue), I should probably tackle the timely stuff because well, I just can’t let things go. Like my ex-girlfriend.

Just kidding.

Playboy is all but dead among the new generation, where we can all fap our little hearts out without paying a token. That isn’t to say the struggling company doesn’t attempt to lure celebrities with big-pay nude spreads. (You can see where this is going.)

A lot of people don’t think Lindsay Lohan is pretty, and when she has dyed-white hair, loads of makeup on and gaudy slutwear, she couldn’t exude trashy anymore than she already does. But when she’s not this current self, I think the freckled red-head is fine, and that’s why I’m actually excited for this Playboy issue coming out later this month.

The family is tons of sexual fun, as the day after Lohan agreed with Playboy for a cool milion, her dad got arrested for hitting Kate Major because she refused to blow him. My guess is Major, who was previously linked to Jon Gosselin, wanted to go back to the Kogi beef when she saw Mr. Lohan whip his out.

LiLo was sentenced to six days in jail but virtually walked in and out due to overcrowding, and people are obviously upset about that. Yes, she violated her probation, which means she fucked up again, and thus, should get a stiff sentence, but I’d rather have the violent criminals in there over her. It’s the same reason why Conrad Murray will be serving very little of his four-year prison sentence, if not entirely under house arrest. Yes, he killed someone, but I don’t consider him violent. How he hasn’t yet lost his medical license is another story.

It would only be right to have LiLo and Kim Kardashian in the same post so that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

As much as Kardashian’s failed wedding can be seen as a scheme to make $20 million(!), which might be the most absurd thing I’ve heard all year (you got that, Sandusky?), in which formerly-Mr. Kardashian claims that Kim just needed a groom for her reality show, I read her side of the story in US Weekly (an absolute garbage magazine filled with celebrity sightings, “Who wore it better?” polls and provides nothing you can’t find on TMZ or Yahoo! omg!), and if true, she makes some valid points. But the bottom line is they’re both at fault, and even if it’s tougher under the microscope as a celebrity, this motivation poster couldn’t be truer.

But not really.


October 25, 2011

That’s Not Beef, That’s Pork

Filed under: TMZ ish — BJ @ 12:25 am
Tags: , , ,

If what Jonah Hill says is true–and Matthew Morrison isn’t denying it–then good for Jonah for calling him out. In fact, if there’s one thing missing from Hollywood, it’s two actors publicly calling each other out.

I liked Jonah’s tirade on ‘Jimmy Fallon’ for two reasons. 1) He’s still funny skinny. He looked startlingly unhealthy and unfunny when he first stepped out in his new frame, but he’s still got it. It’s different, but he’s definitely still got it. 2) Unlike anyone else, he’s so candid about Hollywood events and people.

Morrison’s response:

No one messes with someone from musical theatre. I heard that Jonah Hill said I should bring my shit next time. Well guess what, this is next time! I can sing my way out of it…and I can dance my way out of it. Be very afraid because no one messes with someone from musical theatre…This just got real, man.

How nonthreatening but fitting coming from a dude from theater. Check out Jonah’s interview here.
Ashton Kutcher‘s mistress revealed the nature of their relationship with Us Weekly, and Kutcher rivals Tiger Woods in weird shit they got caught saying that normal guys wouldn’t. But then again, these are the cheating type.
  1. Kutcher wanted a threesome on his sixth wedding anniversary, and no, Demi Moore was not one of the other two.
  2. After they had sex, he asked if she could name up-and-coming candidates, probably to test how dumb she was.
  3. He looked through her text messages and said “See, this is stuff I can’t have happen” before a bodyguard came in and took her phone away, promising her she’d get it back when she left.
  4. He opened her robe, and when she asked what he was doing, he said, “Just checking. Okay, I did good! You’re really pretty.”

I guess Demi’s jealousy wasn’t without merit, as Kutcher had been chatting up extras in his recent movies. Way to choose that perfect night for that special someone.

Shia LaBeouf made headlines for some more crazy antics, this time for getting in a bar fight in Vancouver. Allegedly, Shia was drunk and talkative and threatened the shirtless fatty with talks of a knife before getting pounded on outside. I don’t know what was better: the part when his friend pinned him up against the wall, got so close to his face he could’ve kissed him and said, “You better lay low right now.” (As if there are actually good times for Shia to get in bar fights and ruin his lucrative career.) or when Shia allegedly came back up to the window, made a throat-slashing gesture and left. Story and video here.


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